When Positivity Becomes Toxic

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Recently, as I experienced a rough patch on my mental health journey, I grappled to find ways in which I could help myself get out of the rut. 

Seeking reassurance, I reached out to a friend for support. I figured, as she had been through something similar, perhaps she could lend perspective and help ease some of the terrible discomfort I felt around the situation. 

After ten minutes on the phone together, I said goodbye and ended the call with my friend. I sat there for a little while with tears welling in my eyes and my head in my hands, feeling worse than I had before. 

What had just happened? 

I had reached out to someone I trusted expecting validation and empathy, but instead was met with platitudes such as "Everything is fine” and “Stay positive; it will all work out". 

Let's be honest. When a friend, coworker, or acquaintance is going through a difficult moment, we are perhaps all guilty of trying to cheer them up by projecting an optimistic outlook onto them. 

Don’t get me wrong—encouraging a positive perspective during trying times can be hugely beneficial. Research has linked positivity to a host of health benefits, including a stronger immune system and heart health. 

But trying to force a positive attitude at a time when I was at my lowest felt unhelpful and a little upsetting. In that moment, it seemed like my real feelings didn’t matter as much as how I should be feeling.

Toxic positivity has become an insidious and dangerous trend based on the idea that people should maintain a positive perspective no matter what they are going through. Unlike healthy optimism, which allows one to feel and experience both the positive and negative aspects of a situation, toxic positivity usually involves the denial, suppression, or dismissal of negative emotions in favour of positive ones.

Toxic Positivity and its Negative Impact on Mental Health

Whether it is through our direct interactions with others, online, or at a local gift shop, there is an endless onslaught of positive messaging out there that emphasises sunshine, rainbows, and ‘good vibes only’. 

Often well-meaning, toxic positivity can be detrimental to one’s mental health. Here are some of the ways:

1. It restricts authentic expression. 

In a world obsessed with idealistic representation, finding the courage to express oneself in an authentic and vulnerable way can be challenging. You need only scroll through your social media feed, and you are likely to come across more smiles than tears, more celebration than grief, and more success than failure. Who wants to be the negative Nancy who spoils the fun? 

Exposure to toxic positivity can cause individuals to feel gaslit, leading them to question their perception of reality and their lived experiences. 

When someone's feelings and experiences are dismissed, it can further undermine their sense of psychological safety, self-worth, and ability to make decisions, trapping them in a vicious cycle of guilt and shame. 

Moreover, it diminishes the likelihood that these individuals will proactively seek out the right support and assistance, exacerbating and potentially prolonging feelings of helplessness and seclusion.

2. It limits meaningful connection. 

When I reached out to my friend for support, her response telling me to be more positive made me feel unheard and misunderstood. Since that interaction, I have maintained a superficial “all is well” façade.

As people, we tend to do this more often than one would expect. 

This could look like sidelining one’s perspective to match the collective or behaving in a particular way to fit in with the expectations valued by society. 

When the space does not exist for someone to express their genuine and authentic self, this has a direct negative effect on their sense of belonging and acceptance, encouraging inauthentic responses to pain and ultimately perpetuating feelings of loneliness and social isolation. 

3. It hinders personal growth. 

Life is a mix of beauty and pain. Experiencing sorrow is necessary to be moved by happiness, and encountering fear is essential to know courage. There was never a promise that our existence would solely consist of pleasure. How could it be when our greatest learnings and growth as individuals come from the dark places—the discomfort and release? 

Like a seed that needs darkness to find life, we too can find meaning in the challenging moments and use these opportunities to rediscover our strength, resilience, and power within. This can only become possible when we consciously use our burdens and pain as stepping stones, knowing that life is seasonal and that new light and hope await on the other side.

How to Effectively Handle Toxic Positivity 

If you find yourself, or someone you know, pushing positivity past its limits, here are some of the ways to get things back into balance:

1. Embrace your emotions and feelings. 

The idea of being present with and sharing our pain is not something that has been normalised in popular culture, so we tend to see it less than travel selfies and Kim Kardashian. 

Acceptance, however, is an internal job. Learning to embrace life’s difficulties as opportunities to gain insight into our challenges, patterns, and behaviours can be much healthier than rejecting the reality of our experience all together. 

Take your time to move through the waves of understanding and integration. Healing is not a linear path, and deep self-compassion is essential as you journey forward.

2. Call it out. 

It's never easy to challenge those you love, but sometimes it can be necessary to create awareness and understanding, both in yourself and the other person. 

Next time someone tries to make your painful or uncomfortable experience OK, you could call out their response in a kind and compassionate way. 

If there are individuals in your life who regularly dismiss, invalidate, or minimise your experiences, consider establishing stronger boundaries with them to safeguard your well-being.

3. Reach out for support. 

Despite how it may feel, we are not meant to weather life’s storms alone. And not every person we meet will respond or react in the same way. Know those who you can reach out to for genuine support and encouragement; tell them what you need and allow them to be there for you. 

If you are the person who is offering support or guidance to another, know that it is most important to actively listen, reflect, and demonstrate empathy. Everyone deals with life in different ways, and it is always important to honour and respect that their journey is not your own and that it is not your job to make things OK.

Balancing the positive and negative experiences we may encounter as human beings is necessary to live a life of satisfaction, authenticity, and joy. It allows us to draw on an inner reservoir of wisdom that lies within each of us and to use these experiences to support and uplift others on their journey back home to themselves. 

When we know better, we can do better. 

Every day, we have a choice to connect with ourselves and others on a deeper level. Let us use this as an opportunity to normalise pain and difficulty while embracing the possibility that hope is the seed growing in the darkness we may encounter today.

Need support to make change happen in your life? Contact me via my website or LinkedIn to begin your transformation journey today.